Uncertainty

Uncertainty -

 

The wind goes right through me. I feel so cold and I cannot catch my breath.

It is a scary feeling bit I find it exciting-

It makes me feel alive.

 

Could this be a break from the ordinary?

Are we always looking for that rush, that passion?

Are these feelings normal?

How do others combat these feelings?

 

Is it food?

alcohol?

drugs?

dieting?

exercise?

money?

gossip or something more physical - ?

 

Sometimes even hunger pains or the soreness can give you that rush...

 

What does this mean?

 

Do these things make us feel alive?

 

Why being in a room filled with people can still make us feel alone?

Why having everything you want can still make us feel empty?

What do we do to fill the time and then look back and say where did the time go?

 

Try to live, embrace every moment because that will be the moment that you will ache to relive and to embrace.

 

Wishing the moments away are the saddest thing.

 

Aching for something real.

Beautiful Chicago....

Now

I taste the salt in the air as the cool wind blows through my hair…. I lean my head back to let the sun caress my skin… I feel the sand at my feet, between my toes. I lay back and let the water wash over me lightly. I feel reborn with each wave under the blue sky. I am lost in the calm of the water, the sound of the waves, and the way it makes me feel. Who knew I could feel this way… I can finally see what I could not see before; everything seems so simple, so right. I do not feel alone, I feel loved, and I feel at peace.

Belly Dancer

The lights were dim…only with some spotlight…


The aroma of tobacco flavored smoke filled my lungs and the room…

Surrounded by some drinking coffee, some wine and of course some are sipping something stronger…

The band was playing…the beats…I feel it in my chest, in my hips…in my heart….

I close my eyes I let the colors, the smoke, and the music overtake me…

I can get lost, hypnotized in it all…. I can forget where I am, who I am, why I am…

There is no yesterday, no tomorrow… just today, just this moment in time…

Forbidden....

I walk in the banquet hall and I smell that familiar smell that brings me back to simpler times, to exciting times (I breath it all in … like the first day of Autumn) and I see him there leaning against the bar smoking his cigarette in that care free way…savoring each inhale and exhale with such charm and ease.


I do love a man that smokes cigarettes; it is intriguing to me for some reason (not because it so forbidden these days) that has always been a weakness of mine, especially any dark demeanor and a man that can handle drinking some hard liquor. I only see him but once a year but it is always the same feeling I get… no matter what is going on in my life…I guess it will always be there…a little piece of my heart…


I can’t just walk up to him? Can I? Why the hell not…? (My internal struggle…)


I walk up to him trying to emit the same charm… all I got is my smile…I have never had that look… that sexy not give a shit look that so many people can carry … so I work with what I got… I lean right next to him and not say a word…I don’t look at him… He turns to me with his dark hair and dark eyes holding his cigarette in his sexy way… “How are you?” I say, “I am doing well how about you?” “He replies, “Good, good… you looking good…” His smile and his dark eyes staring intensely at me… Hmmm… he is trying to gage my reaction… I can be cool sometimes… I say, “Thanks, so why you just hanging out here and not inside with the others…waiting for me?” He takes a puff of his cigarette and says, “Of course, my dear.” (I like a man that keeps up with my wit…) I reply, “Good let’s have a drink and we can go inside…” He orders me…I say something strong, because I love these functions…. He orders me a “Rusty Nail” … On an empty stomach that is pretty much enough to get the party started … I take the drink…I drink it with such yearning as if it is the first drink of water I had all day… (The people inside would assume this is very un-lady-like…I was never one to impress and I had to do things on my own terms)… He extends his arm and I grab another drink and into the fire we go…

Being

I walk in and I take a deep breath…
I smell candles burning and the flames dancing on the walls.
All my thoughts are of the future, of how nice it will be… I cannot concentrate on anything else.
Friends and family are all around and all I can do is concentrate on the flame of the candles in the room.
I let myself get mesmerized and taken away by the candles and by my thoughts…
I close my eyes breathe it all in and then open my eyes to concentrate…
I concentrate so hard that I almost succumb to its power…
I catch myself to prevent myself from falling…
I hear my friend calling to me, trying to get my attention but I don’t want to be bothered…
I just want to be lost in myself, in my thoughts…
Finally, finally, happy to be me…
Not afraid of the dark… not afraid of being alone…

The Cafe

I sit staring out the cafe window, just staring out at the snow covered grass, as the cars drive by... I sit reflecting on my life, on the past, present, and the future. What will it bring? Where will I be? Who will be in it? Will the things that fill our days, thoughts, and dreams be the same, or will they be seen as insignificant? Will the pain and sorrows be the same? Will we shed the same tears? Will the same things bring us joy? Will we yearn for the past or just glad that the past is the past? Do people change just as the snow melts allowing us to see the green again? Are these just caffeine induced thoughts or do others wonder the same things? These lazy thoughts and writings help to clear the mind as I watch the cars drive by...